…

Kinda of weird days, these days. I suddenly feel like I am broken inside and need time to regroup. I need time to find that inner balance that would bring me back on track. The problem is I don’t really know what track is that. I guess this might be interesting, like a surprise in a box of chocolates, but still I am not anymore at the age of looking boldly at the future and see it bright. I learned deception, delusion (much of my own cause, I agree) and I guess being cautious is only the result.
They call me “granny” at the office. Sometimes I understand why. I don’t look like one, but I surely act like one from time to time. And this only because my life at the office so much conquered my inner, personal life, that I find it hard not to involve emotionally. My balance, my outer life is almost gone now. And this is why I sometimes (like these days) feel I don’t worth much, that I lack that spark that used to made me different (in my own subtle way, of course), I am not interesting, nor witty, nor smart or anything. I just am. I walk, I talk, I do things from the impulse of my conscience. But there is no…. enthusiasm maybe. I can’t put my finger on it, but I feel something is missing, that fresh approach that makes me see things clearly and be sure of my decisions.
I never expected this to happen. I never thought that this age will bring me so many confusing days.
My computer is almost broken. I would like a laptop. I’ve dreamed of one for 6 years now. I have the money to buy one, but I am thinking it over and over: maybe I need the money for the house. Maybe I would go to Barcelona for my birthday. Maybe… it’s the weather. I’m waiting for sunnier days. Or maybe for someone to make them sunny.