existing

After a week or so at the new job, I’m just being….cautious. Maybe I became over-prudent, I lack trust in people and I prefer just watching them for a while. Just to be sure (as if anyone can ever be 100% sure!) they’re people I can rely on. Except for that, everything is ok, I guess. The new house is just big and cold, could never call this place “home” and I keep wondering when will I have a place of my own. I’ve been longing for it for so long that now I became a little skeptical about it. I used to picture it into my mind as I tried to fall asleep, I made various scenarios of what my house would look like. Now it’s gone.. this was an over-used dream.
As a matter of fact I discovered I don’t need anything anymore. I used to like things, I used to want stuff, like clothes or books, but now it’s all gone. I don’t even care what I eat as long as I am not hungry. How do I go back to being me? I feel like I lost interest in everything, and I generally am impartial, neutral, polite but cold, sometimes pretending I care, sometimes faking interest. Is that the new way of living? Is that the life style of my generation? I cannot say anymore. I am not sure I care.
Nevertheless I must admit I am not that tired anymore. Maybe because I start working at 10 a.m. which is much better, since I am closer to work than I was, I save a half an hour of sleep in the morning.
I still believe though that when I’ll wake up from this thing I entered into, I will be able to find myself again…and I hope I won’t be disappointed. And in the end, the system just dragged me in like in a vacuum. Five years ago I would have fought it. Now I just don’t care…