stability

That’s the key word. That’s what I need. That’s what I’ve been missing for the last almost 2 years. And last night I finally decided I shoud stabilize for a little while at least. That’s why I asked M. to move back in for good, I don’t wanna see him move for a while somewhere else and to end-up eventually in the same place, that’s my place. So he agreed and that’s it. Coz I don’t like being alone and my birthday is coming up soon. Coz even if I don’t feel anything too intense now, and even if maybe I won’t marry the guy, we both need each other right now. For different reasons, of course, but still, the interest is the same. Nevertheless, I can’t help feeling guilty, like I betray C. and this is weird, he has someone else, he will leave soon (if he hasn’t already), why should I feel guilty? Maybe it’s because of his last text left on my computer, from Saturday night, he was happy, I was happy, why did we broke up? Sometimes I don’t remember, some other times I feel it so present that i could break up with him again, just to make him feel the pain I felt.

Ohhh, and he suffered…. I know he did.

So… that’s my decision. I might discover later that it was the worst move of my life. But now I see it like something temporary.