plans

Posted on May 16, 2007 by Anurim

It’s hot. It’s only like the mid of May and we’re all suffering from heat, as if it were July. But I’m glad, better than freeze anyway.
As last year I didn’t have any vacation, this year I was planning a good rest by the sea. But it seems my plans won’t work. First I have to see if I can finally buy myself a home and then, only after seeing this one come true, I might consider rest. However, this buying-a-home plan is energizing :).

Posted in hmmm | Tagged | Leave a comment

Away

Posted on May 9, 2007 by Anurim

I’ve been away for a few days and, because of the sad reason of my travel, I didn’t watch tv at all. When I woke up this morning to go to work I had the strange feeling that I forgot everything about my work. Of course, once I entered the office and turned on my PC, it all came back to me. It was like I was waking up from a short amnesia and start recognizing things.
Despite the sadness and the tragedy around me, I discovered a nice little town, very charming and very close to me. I liked it.

Posted in LoveLife | Tagged | 2 Comments

Revival

Posted on April 29, 2007 by Anurim

I’ll try to make it simple and clear: I really thought this blog died. But on Friday evening someone said I could revive it somehow. He said I could write in Romanian, so I didn’t. He said I could write about work…which I won’t, not right now. Because when I started this blog, the concept was “public diary” or smth. Right now, blogs aren’t just that. I mean…nobody just writes about feelings. To have a good blog, one must be interactive. To be interactive, one must create/talk about subjects that interest people. My personal experiences (and also MY routine, MY boredom) were not interactive. I was asserting them and that’s all.
Well…I can’t say I’ll change something. And I must confess, although probably somebody would react to this, that I stopped writing not only because I didn’t feel like it, but because I was afraid of others’ reactions. I didn’t want to write about breaking up, finding someone new, other experiences..because I know someone would read and suffer. And I hate it when people suffer because of me. And I seem to make them suffer on a regular basis.
BUT…nevertheless I just said to myself “Fuck all that” and just write….stupid or not, don’t read me if u don’t like it…
AND I really believe that by breaking up with me, guys change, evolve and even acquire features they never had when in relationship with me.
SO… my own, personal censorship..I’ll try to let it go a bit.

Posted in LoveLife | Tagged | 1 Comment

Today I am such a crybaby

Posted on December 10, 2006 by Anurim

Emotional week. The peak was Saint Nicholas night when I had a dream. I was hugging my dad, he was so thin I could feel only his bones through the jeans jacket he was wearing. He told me “I’m sorry I cannot be with you now, at the beginning of your road”. I started to cry and so I woke up. All day I felt like crying. My brother got engaged on that day. I was thinking of how proud my dad would have been of his son. In the evening I took my mother to a tribute-to-Abba concert. It was very funny for me, but mom was happy. Again felt like crying imagining myself at her age :(.
And today… because I think I’ll spend the day all alone, I suddenly had the 2001 feeling. A song caused this sensation, but it didn’t stop, it was like I “engaged” myself back into the past… had a pure feeling of a similar moment of 5 years ago. (I still cannot feel 2001 as being so far away in time…5 years mean a lot…but to me they feel like 2 at most). And so I got sad, it’s a profound feeling of falling into my self, moments like this allow me a clear perspective of my own life…make me aware of feelings and moods and sensations I thought I had already forgotten. I can’t explain it…it’s like I’m taking a journey into me, into my mind and into my past..and live moments all over again. And when I wake up and realize I’ll soon be 28 and we’re not in 2001 anymore…that’s when I get sad. I feel like I lost important moments of my life because I was blinded and irrational, I feel like I could have done things better or different, I regret I never said words I should have said.
Finally, I hope next week will be just different. I felt like writing, hoping I could take the weight off my chest, that’s all.

Posted in hmmm | Tagged | Leave a comment

Why blogging

Posted on November 24, 2006 by Anurim

Hell, it’s been a long time I’ve been here. I guess my taste for writing a blog or more like the lack of it relates to my job. I am “surrounded” by dozens of blogs (mostly work, that’s true) and they kinda…turn me off.
And there’s this other thing: it’s like I’ve created a huge complex in my mind that everything I would consider writing about is boring and maybe not worth mentioning (which I think is true, since there are very few people interested in how I feel/think and they don’t have to read the blog in order to find out latest news about me). So…why keep blogging? I mean… this isn’t working anymore. Writing isn’t good anymore… it’s not taking out the devils inside my head, my psychic burdens are almost nonexistent right now or so I make them be…. Therefore I might consider ending this blog…or maybe closing it for a certain period of time…until I feel the need to do it again. Or maybe I’m really dried out and waiting for something to shake me up, to turn my world upside down and to make me .. live inside my head again.

Posted in aberatii | Tagged | Leave a comment

Better

Posted on October 26, 2006 by Anurim

Much better these days. No particular reason, I guess I’m about to find an inner rhythm and stick to it. Biggest problem now is the house, I might have to wait until December or something to really be able to purchase something I could call “home”. This place I’m living in right now does not comply at all with my definition of “home”. In the meanwhile, I dream about that, I buy magazines and fancy around those imagines, like in a day-dream. Perhaps this could be soon a reality. Time is still a problem, but I discovered that it’s all about time-management really. I just have to be “in the mood”:). And mood is so unpredictable and beyond control that I cannot help being under the weather sometimes.
Weeks go by too fast, it’s the end of October and I am not quite aware of it. I have, from time to time, a strike of reality, but it easily dissolves into my daily routine. And that is web web web.. No wonder I let my blog die. I understood however that this was in me all the time, this web thing, starting with spending lots of time on various astrology sites or women online magazines.. to wanting to learn web design for the chemistry magazine I was working for. Of course, this does not make me an expert, I never pretended I was one, but it gave me a fresh look into this business.
But enough about work.. time to relax and to read some blogs. 🙂

Posted in hmmm | Tagged | Leave a comment

void

Posted on October 19, 2006 by Anurim

That’s what I feel lately. Long talks with my boyfriend about our relationship. Void again. Corporate void this time. I think, just as I told him tonight, that my problems are not menial, are so serious that I don’t even want to utter them, for this would mean they exist. It’s enough that my own self warns me that I kinda dissolved my spirit, that my effervescence is now only empty bubbles, I don’t want to make it official, to admit it. Coz I wouldn’t know what to do next. Get a life would be the answer, yes, I know. But I still believe that there could be a balance between life at work and life outside work. Admitting the problem would only draw me back even more, making me unable to act, to react, to do what I am probably supposed to do: LIVE. Searching for that balance is even more troubling. I need to have people around me who, not on purpose, could take me out this vicious circle I’ve entered.
I need a home, this is what I am struggling for. I need friends to make me think of other things than work or problems. I cannot do it by myself. And this I knew from the very begining, from the first day at work, and I promised to myself I won’t become what I am about to become: work freak. I guess I have to be forced to have fun sometimes. Sad story and a sad perspective, I know. Any suggestions?

Posted in LoveLife | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

blogs

Posted on August 31, 2006 by Anurim

It’s very cold outside these days, but I kinda felt relieved that summer passed away, I didn’t use it the way normal people do, I didn’t go anywhere, I didn’t have a proper vacation, I indeed feel frustrated about it, but hey, this isn’t such a big deal after all, you know…
I’ve been reading some stuff about blogs, more about on the blog-phenomenon that’s conquering Romania nowadays, and I must say my blog is not at all interactive or anything…I started well I guess, but I kinda lost interest on the way and it became just a webpage. It would have had more importance had I granted it some, but I rarely feel interested in much lately as I mentioned before..so I guess it lost the “human” touch. It became dull and grey, just like today and just like me these days. Still I find it interesting how blogs have a life of their own. I know somebody who has a common blog with some friends, it’s more like a forum or a chat room, and they seem write about stuff, about things they are affected by, about facts, their opinions..it’s interactive all right and represents their common world. My world is about me alone, with my thoughts and my lack of interest, friends, vacation, carrier stability, anything. I started reading again though, which is good, I have to add this guy, Tom Sharpe, on my writers list. Although to some he’s an old chap, to me he is brand new and I like that:).
uff, and that’s about it for today. I have this obsessive thought about never having a driving license in my life and I somehow must deal with it, but haven’t found the solution yet. And it’s getting really cold around here..brr

Posted in aberatii | Tagged | 4 Comments

existing

Posted on August 16, 2006 by Anurim

After a week or so at the new job, I’m just being….cautious. Maybe I became over-prudent, I lack trust in people and I prefer just watching them for a while. Just to be sure (as if anyone can ever be 100% sure!) they’re people I can rely on. Except for that, everything is ok, I guess. The new house is just big and cold, could never call this place “home” and I keep wondering when will I have a place of my own. I’ve been longing for it for so long that now I became a little skeptical about it. I used to picture it into my mind as I tried to fall asleep, I made various scenarios of what my house would look like. Now it’s gone.. this was an over-used dream.
As a matter of fact I discovered I don’t need anything anymore. I used to like things, I used to want stuff, like clothes or books, but now it’s all gone. I don’t even care what I eat as long as I am not hungry. How do I go back to being me? I feel like I lost interest in everything, and I generally am impartial, neutral, polite but cold, sometimes pretending I care, sometimes faking interest. Is that the new way of living? Is that the life style of my generation? I cannot say anymore. I am not sure I care.
Nevertheless I must admit I am not that tired anymore. Maybe because I start working at 10 a.m. which is much better, since I am closer to work than I was, I save a half an hour of sleep in the morning.
I still believe though that when I’ll wake up from this thing I entered into, I will be able to find myself again…and I hope I won’t be disappointed. And in the end, the system just dragged me in like in a vacuum. Five years ago I would have fought it. Now I just don’t care…

Posted in hmmm | Tagged | Leave a comment

always on the move

Posted on August 5, 2006 by Anurim

I’m moving again. I have a new job, next Monday will be the first day there, another TV station, a commercial one this time. I’m also moving to another house, an apartment this time, still no rent, lucky me. Things are shakin’ up over here, and they’re changing my world again. It’s odd, but I am not enthusiastic, or afraid, or anything, maybe just a little bit worried. To tell ya the truth, I am sick of all that changing, I’ve had it, I need some peace and quiet, that’s all. Hell, maybe I’m just too tired and just miss my summer holidays and the sea. I haven’t seen the sea yet, not this year. I wonder if I will…

Posted in hmmm | Tagged | Leave a comment