vinegar and salt

Posted on December 2, 2004 by Anurim

Don’t know if I should be happy or sad, really….. C. left yesterday, I was on the phone with him all day long (don’t even think about the phone bill now), and after that calls started, some friends inviting me out, M. to ask me how I am, stuff like that, but most important of it all…. well, dunno how should I put this, but let’s just say that I found out what I lost… The worst part of me losing someone who could have been important was not knowing it for sure. Well, yesterday I found out for sure, ufff, it was so good…… I was happy to discover that what I imagined is true, but not so happy knowing that it was for nothing, he’s not mine.

So now, I really have no idea which is my mood. I’m happy and sad in the same time, the two are fighting inside of me, each with its arguments, nobody is winning this fight unfortunately. I’m really wondering what happens next, I get up in the morning and try to face all the surprises a day brings me. Some of them are not very pleasant. But at least now I know…

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sleep

Posted on November 30, 2004 by Anurim

The purpose of my immediate life is sleep. I don’t know if I’m tired, I’m more likely sick of everything and all seems to go away when I sleep or when I’m in bed and watch tv. Tomorrow we have a free day, it’s the national holiday and it’s great to have a free day in the middle of the week:)). This is why I feel so good today (except for getting my salary), I have a day of sleep and sweet laziness tomorrow….

something else makes me wonder… Yesterday C. came to my place to say good bye, he’s leaving tomorrow morning. But I didn’t cry… I think I don’t realize it… Very sad though…

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stability

Posted on November 26, 2004 by Anurim

That’s the key word. That’s what I need. That’s what I’ve been missing for the last almost 2 years. And last night I finally decided I shoud stabilize for a little while at least. That’s why I asked M. to move back in for good, I don’t wanna see him move for a while somewhere else and to end-up eventually in the same place, that’s my place. So he agreed and that’s it. Coz I don’t like being alone and my birthday is coming up soon. Coz even if I don’t feel anything too intense now, and even if maybe I won’t marry the guy, we both need each other right now. For different reasons, of course, but still, the interest is the same. Nevertheless, I can’t help feeling guilty, like I betray C. and this is weird, he has someone else, he will leave soon (if he hasn’t already), why should I feel guilty? Maybe it’s because of his last text left on my computer, from Saturday night, he was happy, I was happy, why did we broke up? Sometimes I don’t remember, some other times I feel it so present that i could break up with him again, just to make him feel the pain I felt.

Ohhh, and he suffered…. I know he did.

So… that’s my decision. I might discover later that it was the worst move of my life. But now I see it like something temporary.

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what the heeeeellllll?

Posted on November 24, 2004 by Anurim

well, cannot believe this, but it’s true: C. is leaving to Barcelona after all, leaving me here, in the perfect chaos. His life is always a chaos, and this is why he is used to it, but me… that’s a different story. And M. is coming back, oh God, i shouldn’t feel this, this summer we were in love and now I can’t stand the thought of him in the house… It’s strange, but I can’t actually tell him to move back in, even though I wanna help him, because I just can’t. I thought of waiting for C. to leave and then…. I’ll see.

This makes no sense. Yeah, I know. so what?

And the one I love… he is in too much pain and unhappiness to be able to talk about him right now. someday maybe..

And that’s it for today.

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the truth

Posted on November 23, 2004 by Anurim

I should tell now the truth about it all, although I really don’t feel comfortable admitting that this way of life is actually my fault. Because it was me to let it happen, I was waaaay too indulgent with my ex boyfriend and everyone around me. So we broke up, of course i couldn’t have done it without some extra help and so some other guy … “happened”. Well, and this guy was kinda married, kinda divorcing because of me, kinda going back to his wife for a while, not emotionally but physically (cause we made the mistake to move in together, and after that he was gone, leaving me all alone, I really wonder how I managed to pay the rent so far) and kinda wanting to come back now, when I threw him out of me…. On top of this, as I was wondering one Sunday afternoon “do I really love anyone, or I’m just dried out for a while?”, I realized that I do love someone. And as you, readers, might expect, it’s not my ex boyfriend (I see him Thursday to Sunday each week), nor my new one, it’s someone else, who was there all the time, and now it’s impossible for us to be together. I’m not saying I hit the jackpot with him, but now I don’t even have the chance to see if it’s true or not… And this leaves me a little bitter and sad. But hey, life’s too short to be unhappy, isn’t it?



As for the problem of the last post, well, actually I got discouraged to see how troubled I was (and I still am) during the past few months. I think I’m gonna be the happiest person on earth when this fucking year is done. But thanks for being there, you guys:))…. (that’s no reference to male readers only 😛 )

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weeellll

Posted on November 18, 2004 by Anurim

I made the mistake to read my previous posts, can’t believe it, I am always complaining about something, and always mentioning my chaotic way of life (which, by the way, it’s my fault:)), it’s getting boring, huh?

I’ll rethink the whole concept of this blog…. really. I hate being so fucking unstable and always complaining about it.

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too close to Christmas

Posted on November 17, 2004 by Anurim

I like writing in different colours:)). Today I feel better, although, the perspective of another year passing by doesn’t or shouldn’t make me feel so good… One of my teachers once told me that nobody should be glad and party for their birthday, coz it’s nothing to be glad for, getting older is not…. merry. Well, although my problems are getting more and more complicated (some are divorcing, others waiting for me to stabilize), I know that there are solutions for these problems and everything will be ok. Suddenly, I feel things will fall into their right places just like that. Uff, hope this mood will last longer than few hours:)).

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oooh my God…..

Posted on November 8, 2004 by Anurim

i’ve been thinking a lot about different things that happened to me lately, it’s not weird, it’s just confusing and chaotic, this hurts me and the consequences of my actions will be seen a looooong time from now on. Unfortunately, I’m the most miserable of all, kind of think that it was my choice, why not be unhappy if it’s possible…… And now i’m ok, but just sad. Not depressed, not crying, but sad. It’ll go away, I’m sure…. Maybe once I will find someone…

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hope next year is better

Posted on October 26, 2004 by Anurim

Well, to tell the truth, i honestly thought I will do much better by now, but it seems nothing is as I planned. I should mind, of course, but except for being verrrrrry nervous, I’m ok. If ok means with many problems but still being able to laugh at a good joke.

I spend my life thinking about these guys that matter and I really cannot tell which one is the one. Maybe none. Although.. I don’t know… I’m so confused that I can hardly tell who I am… Juat wanted to let everyone know what’s up with me.

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worse

Posted on September 21, 2004 by Anurim

oh, ok, so they told I will get better in time but my only opinion is that I’m worse, ufff, I hate my life entirely right now, where is the mistake, the fact that I broke up with the man I considered the one (but who tortured me for five years), or the fact that I threw myself too soon in a very tricky relationship? If it wasn’t for M. I wouldn’t have had the power to break up with C., but one thing led to another, now we are living together, we meet only one hour per day, there are so many problems that I get dizzy….ufff. I guess now there’s nothing I could do but wait, how about now? What do I do NOW?

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