my father’s eyes

Posted on July 25, 2006 by Anurim

I think I don’t have a recent picture of me and my father, alone. The last one is from 10 years ago, I was on my way to university, he was… ok. I sometimes wonder what affected me the most: his existence, or his non-existence? I used to have this conflictual relationship with him, we hardly talked and our tastes didn’t match one bit. But somewhere deep inside I felt like I knew him, I think I inherited from him the same taste for life and the same tendency to imprudence, maybe the same naivety. When he was gone… my whole world collapsed. He was not, not anymore, the man I had to obey, he was…. my father.
I sometimes remember the life before, the life with him. I guess he was a guarantee for what my world was. For Home. Three years later, I still cry when I remember him. He would have been 61 today. And I guess missing him wouldn’t go away. Never.

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some things are meant not to be mentioned

Posted on July 14, 2006 by Anurim

I can’t write about this…about the concert. The next day I felt like hit by a train. I couldn’t realize I was there. And I suprised myself shouting my lungs out when they came on stage. I think I am still marked by this … event or whatever it was. But I can’t write about it. I can’t describe it. I remember the feeling and now, when I listen to some of their songs on the radio, it all comes back to me. I would rather keep these feelings for myself, because writing about them, confessing them, exposing them to the public would only make them not… mine anymore. Nor mysterious or private. Some things are much better when they are just felt, not asserted.

I think I’ve changed a lot. Next week I’ll be on vacation. Maybe the only vacation I’ll ever have this year. I … don’t have that feeling. I am stressed, I am nervous, I am dizzy, I cannot focus. I came to hate the place I work. Not the work in itself, not the people, or not all of them…. just the place. I hope I will get outta there soon. Because that place is a brainwashing factory, that I’m sure. See more info at orchid maids.

And now, after a beer in the city with my friend, I got nostalgic, emotional, I remember myself few years ago, or even when I started this blog and it seems it’s not the same person anymore. I got more acid, disappointed, bored, I lack patience and concentration, I got a little mean…but I hope somwhere deep down I’ll still find, when in need, that piece of me which will never change, no matter what. oh, and yes, bitter, I almost forgot this, I sometimes get bitter. But only when alone or tired. Not now.

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Strange love

Posted on June 23, 2006 by Anurim

Strangelove
Strange highs and strange lows
Strangelove
That’s how my love goes

I can’t miss writing about this:). I am not, not anymore, a teenager, enthousiatic and totally devoted to some gods on a poster. Nevertheless, the Depeche Mode concert of tomorrow brings out from within me some leftovers from my teenage years. Maybe because I never had the chance to go to a biiiiig concert like that 10 years ago, or maybe because such events always bring a hint of euphoria, I don’t exactly know what it is, but I am totally and completely focused on tomorrow. I imagine scenes, I picture gestures and I create expectations.. It is very likely I will be a bit disappointed, perhaps I will be disturbed by the crowd pulling me, people trying to get a better view, worries of keeping myself safe and sound..but still, the thought of me being able to see this band I like on stage….well, that’s something. In fact, this week Gotan Project had a concert here as well, I missed that one, I can’t afford going to both concerts, but hey, it’s been quite a week from this point of view.
I picked up this quote because I just feel like it tonight.

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My muses

Posted on June 16, 2006 by Anurim

I sometimes find people who inspire me. I sometimes become inspiration to others, but these rare cases I do not consider, for I, my friends, aim to only evolve as a spirit. People who inspire me help me evolve. I do not know if this is a general truth about myself, but so far, this is what happened. People who helped me, in any way, get in the mood where I could just take a glance of the bigger picture, where I could see myself from above somehow, objectively, those were the ones who contributed to my evolution. And I do not mean material progress, but a mental and spiritual one. I truly feel that I am what I am just because I had the fortune of meeting such people. And I thank them for doing that, although they may not have a clue they’ve done it in such an important way to me.
Right now I think I like myself the way I am…. I guess there will be a limit to that too, but for now, for this moment, thanks to all of those who turned me into ME, I fucking love my life!

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I’m feelin that I loose myself

Posted on June 12, 2006 by Anurim

I wanted to write several times but either I quit because of lack of ideas, or my computer went so slowly that I didn’t have the patience to wait for the page to load. And sometimes I feel like I have so many things I would like to write about, but they just vanish the minute I begin the post. And I end up with a completely common piece of writing that I grow to hate every time I try to add something to it, so I just…quit. I figure I must have the time and the mood to write and to feel like writing again. And this is no time for that.
My job takes almost all my time. What I have left I try to share between my boyfriend, my mother, my driving lessons and some other things I complicate my life with. But this Friday was special, because I had nothing planned, I could sleep late (Friday is my day off) and drink my coffee in peace and even go to the market place, which was weird, coz only me and some old ladies were around and I felt like I was in a holiday or something!
And now I’ve come to appreciate my one month vacation/summer and my 8 to 4 working hours. I don’t miss the work though. Nor the people. I like these ones better. And the work as well. I just hate what’s going on there, I mean people trying to stop something that’s going fantastically well, people trying to take somebody’s else place…ugly stuff like that. I know you people gonna say “wake up girl, that’s the real world!”, but I don’t believe these things just happen like that everywhere. I hate this lack of stability or purpose or motivation and I need something to stabilize all that.
I really feel that I don’t remember who I am anymore or what I want with my life, I just work and sleep and get tired and tired and tired. And I suppose now I’m just complaining and, yes, I know, there are people with worse problems than mine, but..well, this is my blog.

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mad

Posted on April 22, 2006 by Anurim

Now I am really mad. I’ve grown to hate technology in every way. I hate computers because, if I work too long, my eyes hurt, I hate the Internet because you develop a virtual world where there is no touch with the reality, because it sucks you in a hole and loose every trace of your persona…I hate it because people have developed so many little programs that spy, copy, send by e-mail, take screen-shots of whatever you’re doing on your computer….and why? Just because people wanna know, people are insecure, people need to believe that the other is not harming them.. I have to say there is nothing wrong in being hurt once in a while, otherwise we wouldn’t appreciate the value of happiness. But, hey, not everybody is like me. Anyway, I really hate it and I probably would like to separate myself as much as possible of this kind of world. We are not here in “1984”. We are supposedly free.

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a girl still in her twenties

Posted on March 24, 2006 by Anurim

Today I saw a girl that reminded me very much of myself at her age.. that is some 4 years ago, and I suddenly felt old. I really have no idea what is best: to do everything to keep yourself “young” (I mean clothes, music you like, lifestyle, etc.) no matter the age, or just try to assume your age and act accordingly? Because both variants have flows. If I keep myself like in my twenties, even if I am 40, I would look ridiculous. If I assume my age, I’d have to be a little bit oldish I guess. So what’s the middle way?
Beside that, I realized I have to emphasize more on me and this doesn’t mean I should become selfish, I just have to…you know, take care of me. I haven’t been doing anything for myself lately, except work, I really need to invent things that remind me of me. And now we go back to the real question: what am I like? I know things about myself, but I generally adapt so easily to the circumstances and to the environment that I forget about me. Or maybe I identify to the new “group” so much that my old values seem to perish little by little. It’s 2 months since I read my last book, it’s too long since I had time to get bored and to start thinking about crazy stuff and to get ideas, new ideas. I didn’t have anything to blog about. My life goes around my work and very little now on my relationship. And things will get worse I think. Maybe I am a little pessimist today, but I really feel like I forgot to LIVE. Or maybe I always need somebody around to show me how to do that, to spice things up and never let the system get me. Coz now this is the way I’ve taken.

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Time time time….is not on my side

Posted on March 12, 2006 by Anurim

It’s Sunday morning. I feel like I haven’t slept enough or maybe that I slept too much, coz my head is spinning. Yesterday I had a terrible day, I ran from one place to the other, but still I managed to accomplish all my “tasks”. My mother will be coming tonight, so I’ll have to wait for her in that far-away dirty bus station… Tomorrow I’ll be like a “zombie” at work again. And this is my life now. In between, I’ll feed the pets, take Mooky-the-dog for a walk, and maybe, just maybe, get to see my boyfriend. 🙁 I feel bad I have such a busy life, too many things to do, people always wanting stuff from me…not very nice indeed. Dunno exactly what to do about this…give up my English lessons could be an idea but I wouldn’t want to give up all my kids. Other thoughts get ahead of this one about my spare time, and so I always miss thinking about it and the problem remains unsolved. Like now…I have to think about other things…things I need to buy for mom, what movie should we see, I have to translate a paper I’ve been postponing for some time…stuff. And my spare time is still an unsolved problem. One day I will solve it though.

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My mother’s birthday

Posted on March 11, 2006 by Anurim

Today is my mother’s birthday. It is also her 2 years older sister’s birthday. But, in the same day that my mother is celebrating her 60th anniversary, some other famous people celebrate their birthdays as well. People like Sharon Stone, Neneh Cherry, Chuck Norris, ….and last, but not least, ladies and gentlemen, Osama Bin Laden! :))). I couldn’t believe it when I heard it on the news today… I wouldn’t have made a difference perhaps, but I am a horoscopes/astrology/coincidences freak, so I am entitled to be surprised because of this detail.
Thing is I am really happy for my mom, her life is for the better I guess, because she turned 60 and on that very day she celebrates her birthday in Venice, Italy. It was her dream to go to Venice at least once in her life, and so she did. In the meanwhile, I’ve been having a tough week, I had no time for nothing so I quit carrying for anything, even for myself. I have to give up the English lessons because it’s eating too much of my time. Theoretically, I should be fine, but there’s always something else, a lesson, a document to translate, something…. And so I come home exhausted and I go to work again…not funny at all. So now I am going TO SLEEP.

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frozen spring

Posted on March 3, 2006 by Anurim

It’s the third day of spring and I feel already better, although it’s freezing, it’s snowing all over the country and it sounds like winter more than spring. This is the second night with Mooky, Mika and the turtles all tossed in a studio (not a very big one). The first time was absolutely terrible, I couldn’t sleep, Mooky barked all night, Mika got scared and reacted badly, so did the dog, and so I was caught in the middle…of course you can imagine I didn’t get any sleep. The next morning I swore to myself I would never repeat this kind of experiment. But…here I am repeating it. My mom left to Florence for a week, I couldn’t stand the thought Mooky would stay all alone at night, so I figured that since tomorrow is Saturday, I can afford a sleepless night and to bring her here again. I read somewhere that if the animals feel you panic, they would get anxious as well, and the first time I was scared just like them. Now I am too sleepy to get scared. And they feel it, Mooky is playing, Mika is on the wardrobe, surveying the whole thing…quite a scene if you think about it. I hope they will eventually ignore each other, i don’t hope they will be friends (I am not that naive..you know). So I am like Ace Ventura in his apartment, only that I don’t have as many pets as he did:). (big yaaaawwwwwnnn). I am going to sleep and I hope I can get some. goood night, world, wherever you are.

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