Latest news

Posted on July 5, 2005 by Anurim

It’s been a long long time….I am so tired I can hardly think reasonably, I work like a robot in the heat, and I really don’t feel it’s summer. It’s sad that I’m loosing that sense of holiday I used to have when I was in school, even at the university. Now, the vacation month seems so short that I can barely make some plans for it.
I’ve been to a wedding two weeks ago, it was the perfect occasion for me to get dressed up and to wear make-up, and to be, you know, like my mother would like me to be, like a “lady”. It was not such a bad thing, but being a lady is very fatiguant, and too complicated for my simplistic nature. I mean I know this about me, I like only one kind of sophisticated things, the simple-sophisticated things (I know it’s too much for you to understand, so you may skip this part 🙂 ). Anyway, it was fun and I’ve got nice pictures to prove it.
And…I’ve got a cat. I had turtles, now I have a cat. It’s a lovely little cat, very thin but very playful, I’ve got it only for several days and it’s very funny, I am talking to her and she seems to understand me, we are even playing:), it’s nice. So these are the latest news in the lamest style possible. I can’t be inspired now…. I am pretty dried out of everything, need to recharge for a while.

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yaaaaaaaawwwwwwwnnnnnn

Posted on June 28, 2005 by Anurim

there are exactly 21 days until my holiday. Which is a lot, but still not that much, I mean, 21 days, it’s like a summer storm, they end quickly. I just hope I’ll get a chance to rest this holiday, I am just extremely tired. And this could be an excuse for my lack of inspiration and the writing pause. There were moments when I would have wanted to write, to explain a feeling or a sensation, but they lasted so little time, and I got caught up in so many other things that finally when I wanted to write, I realized…..I had just lost it.
Now I don’t have anything in mind. Just thinking about my life as it is at this moment…I cannot complain. I did worse, I have to admit. I think I can do better. But I just don’t have the motivation or the strength to get those wheels movin’. Maybe after the miraculous holiday I am waiting for so much, maybe after that I could consider doing things. And maybe writing fresh stuff.
(Refresh memory)
I haven’t analyzed things for a very long time. I guess I unconsciously imposed it in my mind, because it seemed my over-analysis was harming my relationship. But I know why I did it, it was because I got somehow hurt and I had to “exorcise” it out of me by de-fragmenting it, deconstructing it, so that it won’t have any value at all.
God, I hate to be stressed when I’m writing!!! Gotta go back to work:((, hate this stupid job.

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summertime…

Posted on June 17, 2005 by Anurim

summer, finally. I’ve been waiting for it for some time, and now that it’s here, I’m a bit disoriented, not sure how to react…Perhaps my summers were so far included in some kind of pattern. The only element of that pattern left for this summer is the moving from one house to another (it seems it’s a leitmotiv of my life for the past 7 years or so). But for the rest…not sure how this summer is gonna be.
The only strong feeling I have right now is for the sea…. Cannot explain this profound attachment with the sea, and I don’t mean those luxurious resorts with hotels and all kinds of facilities, but the kind of sea one can feel in a village by the sea, or sleeping on the beach…that’s the sea I’m day-dreamin’ of these days. And it’s deeply connected with the desire for a perfect holiday, when you forget what time it is or what day it is, you’re just enjoying moments of the day without limiting them to time and connecting them to reality. That’s the perfect holiday to me….not being in a rush, not HAVING TO do something, not going anywhere unless you want to.
I had this kind of feeling only once in my “adult” life but the taste of it remained so present that my soul is yearning for it now.
Or maybe I am just extremely tired :).

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headache day

Posted on May 31, 2005 by Anurim

Pretty difficult day today. I admit I’m overreacting to some things and I’m sorry for that, I don’t mean that, I think I am just being insecure about all things in my life, about me and the others and the world in general. And I also think that maybe I’m afraid of getting hurt and I’m dissecting and analyzing everything and every word has a nuance or a subtle second meaning….I am getting tired of myself. I’m getting tired of annoying everyone around by being so stubborn when I shouldn’t or so sensitive when I’m not supposed to. I should be able to understand and treat others as I would like to be treated. But I remember doing that and not receiving the treatment I expected. I guess that’s what made me bitter.
This doesn’t mean I should treat people, “innocent stand-byers”, like hell, no sir…
This is why I decided I should leave my worries and troubles and minor inner conflicts to this blog, and chat more relaxed and free of any frustration or troubles whatsoever. Because it seems I am poisoning every conversation and it degenerates, invariably, in a stupid quarrel. And the thing is that I forget all about it as soon as I get out of the office and stop chatting. It’s not the chat…it’s my obsession with words and meanings that leads to this stupid situation and I hate it.
Somehow…I’ve gotta stop.
I also realized these days that one must have a trained eye for beauty in order to see it. Not every man appreciates La Gioconda, to uneducated or less educated or not-interested-in-art people, the smile of Mona Lisa is not mysterious and the whole painting in itself is not a genius’ work, it’s just a painting of an ugly woman of whom there are rumors it could have been a man. It’s the same with people. One must know beauty in order to see it.

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constant invasions of my privacy

Posted on May 20, 2005 by Anurim

Nothing new, just the story of my life. I’ve always suffered from people’s curiosity and from their sneaking into my privacy. So I guess it’s nothing new, just another depriving of something of my own. I admit that the problem was WHAT I wrote, not that I wrote. It generated bad feelings and pain…and lots of words, written and sa(i)d. I’m dizzy and my head spins right now, I can’t breathe easily… I realize that the past 2 years exhausted me in such a way that now I just can’t face problems as I should, I’m passive and weak, I need to run away from them instead of confronting them. This passiveness comes also from too many shocks and another one was too much, it just hit me and caught me unprepared and I just could react at all.

It’s all so weird in the end. When I was 12 I had my first diary. My grandma found it, read it and judged me for what I had been writing, asking me to burn it. So I did. After that I had a number of diaries that were read by my mother, my father, my brother, a friend, all without having my permission. Followed by intrusions into my intimacy by my boyfriends…the ones that mattered, in fact. And so, I come to judge my reaction: I was not angry that something was read without my permission, but that what I wrote caused trouble and pain…

And on top of everything, I feel I should go away, disappear for a while, because I’m harming everyone around me: my mother is unhappy because I’m difficult, stubborn and not close to her, my brother feels we don’t talk to much, my friends don’t know anything anymore about me, because I never talk or listen for that matter. And, of course, the worst is that I successfully regressed in a relationship that was starting to evolve. This is what happens when I try to make everyone happy. I tried to please everybody in my life, not to make people sad or depressed, and I failed :((((. So..you can imagine my conclusions, my mood, my thoughts. Not happy. Not happy at all. What should I do about myself in this life? How am I supposed to be so that things like that shouldn’t happen anymore??

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Bad

Posted on May 17, 2005 by Anurim

well, no matter how well things would go right now in my life…today, this very moment, I’m not feeling it. I feel bad, my belly hurts, I’m so nervous I could scream my lungs out, I hate my colleagues at work, they are stupid and narrow-minded, they are talking stupid things I don’t care and quarrel over insignificant matters of somebody else’s life, they judge people and don’t look in their own yard and above all expect me to be interested in their small-talk….gosh!!
Anyway, I suppose in a way they are harmless, I know there could be even more dangerous/mean/annoying people in other offices, so perhaps I should be grateful they are like that. Nevertheless, today I’m not into that peaceful mood when I think optimistically and don’t mind stuff like that. Today I’m…selfish I think. Sometimes I feel the need to be selfish. To have everything my way and to get nervous if it isn’t. Cause maybe I’ve been too much unselfish and I got bored…hell knows.
Eh, nevermind…Tomorrow will be a better day, I hope.

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the root of all evil

Posted on May 11, 2005 by Anurim

…in my life is stress and psychic trouble. I don’t show it and I have enough stamina to resist it for a long time. But evil starts showing its thorns little by little. I am irritable and nervous, I am not judging right, I am impulsive (and in a bad way), I talk back and I am always tired as hell, no matter how much sleep I get. But it’s all like a circle of vices, one thing leads to another….I have to find a place to live with a smaller rent (that’s because I can’t buy a house, no way Jose), a rent I can afford, coz I realized that I’ve been going for too long with this stress every month. Or maybe to find a better-paid job. But I guess on Friday I had the first major failure of my life: I went to this interview, it was ok, I did ok, or at least that’s what I thought, and they didn’t call me…. I was 80% they’ll hire me, I found the job perfect for me. Then I thought maybe I asked for too much money…this is also possible. It didn’t depress me in a conscious way, but I think the bad influence of this failure is there somewhere and acts incognito in my mind….
I saw this movie….”Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”….pretty weird, I liked it, I got the picture….and I didn’t have to see that movie to know that even if you try to erase the conscious memory of a person from your mind, you could never erase the emotional memory, the tactile memory even. And no matter my memories, good or bad, they are mine, they are part of me and in them resides that past-Miruna I sometimes hate or like….but it’s Miruna…
Well I guess the world didn’t need my comment on this movie :)), I nevertheless delivered it, because it’s my blog, I write whatever I want in here. Like in a vault. Not throw away the key yet:).

P.S. – Thank you for the positive considerations on my blog. It’s not much and I decided not to write for the writing, but for the self, or better yet it’s a writing with a catharsis function. So please don’t criticize too much the style, just read between the lines.

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felt like 1999

Posted on May 3, 2005 by Anurim

Two weeks ago, on a Sunday afternoon, waiting for a friend who was incredibly late, I had a very weird sensation of 1999. To me every year has a feeling, and of course, that year had a specific feeling, more like the ones that followed. I was near the University, on the edge of the fountain where I used to spend all the time I was loosing during my school days. That was like a “nexus of the universe” to me. And now…maybe because of that beautiful sunny day, a true spring day, or maybe because of the cigarette smoked with regular zips of cola, as I used to do back then, I really felt at one point that I was living one of my daydreams on the fountain, that it was time to move my ass to classes and when my friend finally arrived, I was looking at her as if she came from another planet, the words were avoiding me, she had to ask me three times if I was ok and where did I want to go from there.
Actually, this had happened to me before, but not so strong, the feeling, the voyage to the past was not so real as this one…I had a moment when I really felt that 6 years didn’t pass just like that…..
Other than that, everything is ok, Easter just ended, today is the first day at work after a mini-holiday that I needed so. I got kinda depressed coz I miss my Dad these days more than ever….I think I miss the old traditional Easter with all the family, we had few days together.. Now my mother went to meet her sisters in their parents’ house, my brother visited “the in-laws” and so I was left behind, or at least this is how I felt when I heard the Easter plans…. But it wasn’t so bad as I thought, of course, as always, there was someone there who helped me get past these days, to even enjoy myself….to have a good time. And this is why I began to feel even better, just the thought that there is someone who thinks of how to make me feel better is already lighting up my day:)).
And I love the weather today, it’s warm and sunny and I’m calm, I’m even a bit dreamy…I like this:).

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Living on my own

Posted on April 15, 2005 by Anurim

Every time I begin writing, something wrong happens. And every time I intend to write something comes up and I can’t, and then, when I have all the time in the world to do it, I have nothing to say, just feel lobotomized and stupid and this makes me even more nervous…. Well, this mostly happens because I am tired very often, struggling with many things in the same time….sometimes I get lost in translation:). Just like yesterday when I was so tired I could barely think and keep my head up…. I slept 7 hours out of 48, and I also had to deal with my 8 years old pupils who are normally very funny but yesterday was more like a contest of “who is shouting louder” or “let’s cheat on the test and see what happens, will she get mad?”… And after that, as I was walking home from the tram station, watching people, window shopping ( I saw a pair of cute shoes, I really like them), I suddenly realized that I hate going back to that lonely house… I like living there, I like the apartment, and I even like living alone sometimes, but yesterday I was feeling so weak and small in a world that moved so fast around me, that I just felt discouraged and alone… I needed someone to wait for me at home, I needed to get home and see the lights on, the TV turned on and somebody there….a warm house. That’s what I needed. Instead I got home and a gray air floated there, my turtles were like dead, they didn’t make a move…and that bed was so cold. And so I realized that living on your own is not all nice and funny as they say…sometimes you have to deal with moments like that.
And today is raining, a spring rain:). I noticed that every time the season changes, there is a period of intensive rain…it’s like preparing for the next season:). Well…as I said, I am weather dependent and this rainy atmosphere is very good for reading:). Oh, and yes, writing :).

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april day

Posted on April 7, 2005 by Anurim

This spring is not like the last one at all….. That is not an entirely bad thing, maybe this spring, although not as “spectacular” in feelings as the last one, it’s more stable (that’s a key word, of course) and maybe more active. I’m doing stuff, solving problems that I left unsolved for a long time, I’m working on several levels so to speak….and that’s very nice, I think. Of course, I couldn’t do all that if it weren’t for somebody to support and help me…. yesterday I felt quite surprised to see all that effort only for me, and that made me happy.
But….yes, there is a but….can’t put my finger on it really well, it may have to do with spring mood and astenia, with a specific period I’m going through, it’s just that all of a sudden I feel down, I feel there’s no purpose in doing everything if I don’t have that …mood, that feeling, if I don’t feel… desired, wanted. Something like that. I may be unfair right now, I mean what more could I ask, I am generally happy and I feel fine, I feel things are better and better, I am not entitled to complain I guess, and that’s why I really have no idea why should I write about it, but it’s a mood that won’t go away. And that is all folks….I really cannot write in a normal way anymore….dunno why, maybe I should go on private. Iacs,….hate my mood.

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