my mistake

Posted on March 30, 2005 by Anurim

It suddenly struck me….my mistake, last summer’s mistake led me now to this impossible situation. In fact it’s not that impossible, I’m not living on the street or anything, but I’m on the edge of survival or at least this is how I’m feelin’ it right now, maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m having a state of panic and anxiety that I rarely, if ever, experienced in my life. I shouldn’t have left my brother’s house…that’s all. That’s a house that felt like home, like my old house, like my parent’s house in Deva, there were familiar things there and I worked for that place as if it were my own. I shouldn’t have left, that’s all. I rushed into a relationship with no chances of survival, I didn’t listen to people saying that M. is no good for me and it will only get me hurt, I was too eager to get over the trauma and the pain inside and I tried to kill all this by doing something foolish…. Well, now I know all that but there is nothing I can do, it’s all in the past, I only have to go through this anxiety, right now, this moment. Maybe it’s only today, maybe tomorrow morning when I wake up, it’ll all be just a bad dream. But I see that I got down too soon, too easy. With no fight at all.

It’s important, I think, to see everything from different points of view. Trying to…not today, I think today I’m entitled to be depressed.

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Five years later

Posted on March 21, 2005 by Anurim

C’s birthday on Sunday… As I was “redecorating” (that means I rearranged all my books and wooden boxes and finally moved my bed in the bedroom, as it is normal), I was thinking about the appropriate time to call, cause I was thinking he might have been partying and clubbing, and I was right and my timing was still bad, coz I woke him up and I know he hates that, it’s irritating to him……but well, the conversation was very short and conventional, like I was just an acquaintance asking if everything is alright with him, if he is ok, what did he do the night before, well, bye then, thanks for calling…. That was about it. This is what’s left after five years…. I’m not reproaching it, I’m just noticing the strange nature and the weird development of human relationships. It’s all so relative and shallow if you think about it…Well, beside all these “worries”, I’m doing fine, that’s if you were wondering:))). Yesterday I got nervous at one point coz I got hungry and walking pointless to find a stupid post office to get a stupid little package from somebody just as stupid as all of the above, and as I got home, my boyfriend was waiting in the car with pizza…I was in a hurry and irritated and behaved accordingly and then…..after few hours as I got into bed, I was thinking that this was one of his kindest gestures to me and all I did was to treat him bad…ufff…sometimes I am not empathetic at all…brrr…

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word therapy

Posted on March 14, 2005 by Anurim

Just wanted to signal the good mood, nothing else. I feel good these days, not moody or anything, just me, calm and relaxed. I don’t feel excited or enthusiastic, but this is nothing but an “extra option” of the “deluxe version” of my life. I think that this will come in time anyway.
But there are other things I’m thinking about, I really need to be more active about myself. Somebody told me once that all I really need is to find myself another job and to write. Well, as far as the writing is concerned…I’m doing it from time to time, not really satisfied with it, but doing is improving. The job….or anything connected to my carrier, it’s like I’m stuck here, and though I see I’m going deeper every day, I do nothing, I just sit and wait for the perfect job to just pump up and come knocking on my door.
I can’t imagine what would make me move already, maybe a very nasty atmosphere for a longer period of time, I guess.
I realized that I had begun writing for fun, but now this became a “safety valve” to me, it helps releasing the pressure in my head, clarifying my thoughts, depressurizing me entirely. Now that I think about it, it’s always been like this, since the 6th grade when I began writing a diary :))). Writing as a therapy, words instead of pills…killing the “mental viruses” by saying/pronouncing/expressing them.

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words

Posted on March 4, 2005 by Anurim

Words are important to me, no question about that. I can feel people through their words, sentences, phrases. I can read between the lines and sense every intention, feeling, mood, state of mind, everything. My intuition works like charmed when it comes to words. So this is why I think I’m a bit out of reality and fail to appreciate facts. It is out of my scheme to dissect facts rather than words. And in the end, facts are the ones that matter, right? Still, I can’t deny the importance of words, no matter my angle, my point of view…. but there are people who express themselves through their actions and sometimes maybe these actions/gestures/facts are so symbolic and meaningful that it would be a pity not to see behind them.
How about words? What are their status in this case? Well, still trying to consider where the equilibrium should be, coz there must be an equilibrium here too… I’m just figuring it out these days :).

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trapped

Posted on March 2, 2005 by Anurim

Now, i knew it would happen like this…don’t you ever say something good about my writing, or anything bad, coz this will make me not write at all… I do have this problem, like I have nothing to write about, nothing to share, me of all people, me, the extrovert, the sociable, the friendly, the talk-a-lot-about-all-stupid-things-in-this-world, me me me… I guess it has to do with my lack of trust, professionally that is, my lack of confidence in my powers or in my value (which is relative, I hardly see any value in my writing….but there are people with different views on this issue). It also has to do with a boring job and with my not-so-ambitious nature. I envy my colleagues who used these three years that have passed since graduation to become something…..me….I’m nobody, I feel like i achieved nothing and this was not my plan, seven years ago, when I left my pinkish bedroom from my parents’ house. Ah, I know I wrote about it, but this … issue, it comes up over and over, until I find a solution for it…
Well, but hey, it’s the first day of spring….apparently, I should hope for more, shouldn’t I?

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spriiiing?

Posted on February 25, 2005 by Anurim

I feel spring coming today, dunno why, maybe it’s just something in the air, maybe because it’s warmer and raining instead of snowing as it was expected (though I heard some terrible news about snow coming….brrrr). I feel like I was asleep and now I opened my eyes and see real life…not a very nice view at times, but not as depressing as I thought . Step by step some things are getting into shape and now I confront myself with another problem: several persons told me this blog is not as boring as I thought and that I write ok and now I became conscious of it and I am aware that now I should write something cool, something meaningful, something that people like, u know..SOMETHING….and so I’m afraid to write anything at all.
And I also noticed that I write well and that I have points of view especially when I’m mad or angry or in a bad mood, but not depressed. So, again, happy people are not interesting. See, nothing to complain about, nothing to dissect or to psychoanalyze, nothing to suffer from and friends to comfort you…. But hell, I wouldn’t want to be unhappy just to have subjects to write about!!!
Well, except that, i think a certain somebody deserves a big big HAPPY BIRTHDAY from me :)))). Today is a shinny day, the beginning of the weekend, it’s that mood…you know…when you expect things and have that joyful disposition to make them happen….hopefully.

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my life or something like it

Posted on February 22, 2005 by Anurim

Now I do have all the freedom in the world to finally do whatever I want….and I don’t. I guess I’m stuck in the past, in my past habits and mental setups, I’m dealing with different people here and I can’t adjust, I just judge them according to these setups. When i shouldn’t judge anyone at all, when I should accept them for what they are… It’s so difficult that I can’t do it all alone. Coz I don’t rationalize them all and in the end I’m the one crying, all because of me:((. I need patient understanding people around…but this kind of patience doesn’t come out of the blue. Who’s gonna be that patient as to understand me every time I go crazy, every time I’m sad or happy for no reason, every time I am too sensitive about meaningless things that may mean a great deal to me? Who could be able to find me answers when I ask questions, who’s gonna be able to love me for what i am not for what I might be?
I know, I know…..today i’m such a cry-baby, I hate myself for that really, but this is how I need to write it, to exorcise it out of me and to relax at last…
Yes, not in a perfect mood indeed, but I’m ok.
and yes, stable:).

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age &stuff

Posted on February 11, 2005 by Anurim

I am 26. People expect me to act like 26. How is that? How am I to know how should I act? I am 26 now…I don’t realize it and act accordingly and to tell you the truth I don’t care. I got tired of fulfilling other people’s expectations and forget about my own… It’s true I define myself depending on others, but I DO have my own expectations of this life. I got a little bit sad remembering the day I got this job, my first day at work, how it all seemed bizzare and oldish and how I was swearing to myself that this would be only temporarely, untill I find something better. I got stuck here, I got used to them and to this atmosphere, but I didn’t evolve, I kinda feel plain, like my brain only smoothened instead of getting more and more wrinkeled.
C. came back…. I was surprised to see him, I was curious to hear his stories, but nothing is like it used to be, I cannot pretend last year never happened, I don’t want that. I just need my life to be as it is now, like it was last night ( I think it was one of those perfect evenings when nothing seems artificial, forced, blurry, everything was just…perfect), like it appears to become or evolve. I’m turning into something else, I know, I’m changing and I feel it, and yes, this is el fin de una epoca, so it makes no sense of hanging on to the past. So that was it.
But last night was perfect, as I said. And I say that for one reason in particular: this was one of those days when I was craving for tender touch and a bit of desire and passion and that was what I got, expectations fulfilled:)). I went to sleep happy and woke up smiling, that’s what I call a good mood.
Happy people are not interesting at all, I have the feeling, while writing this post, that I only write facts, not feelings, like robots, it’s like once you’re well, the mind is too relaxed to make connections, to think, to be interested in stuff …. or maybe it’s just too busy living every second of it since it’s so rare and lasts so little.

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bad distance

Posted on February 1, 2005 by Anurim

Moody again…..of course it’s the PMS, what else?!! And also, the small talk in the office, the problem of searching for a new job that’ll fit me (but I actually don’t know what fits me), my own complexes of stupidity, lack of ambition and self confidence…. And the worst is that whenever I mention this to people, they don’t try to get me out of my gloomy mood, they would just leave alone to recover myself. I admit I am mean and not easy to deal with right now, but since people i talk to very often are supposed to be my friends and to care about me… they should think of how to get me out, not to just keep the distance, and wait for me to say “hey, I’m ok right now, I’m back, just as funny and caring for others as always”!!! I think I should be more selfish…although this is not me, selfish…cannot picture myself like that….

Enfin. On verra…it’ll just pass away. Still…nevermind.

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feel

Posted on January 28, 2005 by Anurim

Little by little I come to understand my life and its problems…the feeling of not belonging and of not being able to adjust (although people around me don’t see it this way)… It’s incredible how parents affect their children’s lifes in such a subconscious and profound way that they don’t even realize it. That’s why I feel, unlike my woman-friends, that I wouldn’t be ready for a kid right now.

But what I know is that I need to create new habits and new ways of approaching things for myself, impose them inside of me, because this means evolution…this is what I need for feeling better.

Weird thing…today i feel good, I feel confident and kind of happy, I feel stable and reasonable, it’s been such a long time that I forgot how it is:)). And no, I’m not dissecting this feeling now, I’m just enjoying it.

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